Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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