I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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