I never want to see another naked old woman again.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
