I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
