idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize