The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
