were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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