I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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