I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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