my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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