i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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