I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
