you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
