Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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