The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
being pregnant is like rehab
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
