One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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