you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize