Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize