at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
