omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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