you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
