I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
