I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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