Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
