I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
