I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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