just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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