I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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