I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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