I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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