Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
