Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You can't special order awesome
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Two words: blizzard sex
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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