I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
