I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
