I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
