I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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