I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
