So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
