I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
