I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
