Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
