two words: eviction party
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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