It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
