my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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