R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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