is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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