i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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