The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
