There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
