Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
