also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Boobs are out for the taking
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
