its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
