my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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