I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
