i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
