I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
