good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
