Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
