the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
