The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
