You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
