she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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