I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
