just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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