he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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