I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
