She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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