How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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