My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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