On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i will never coherently bang her
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
